I'm lost and stupid without you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
