At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
