Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
