I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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