What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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