You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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