I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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