also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How does one acquire holy water?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
