i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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