Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
