my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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