Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
