Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
A bitchslap is in order.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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