I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
