Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
