i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
