i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
