I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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