woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
