I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
