Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
