The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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