before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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