Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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