Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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