i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
