i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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