I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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