Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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