I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
