ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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