Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
