and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
