What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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