Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
