The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
