Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The beer is more important than you right now.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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