I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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