Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
