god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
