This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
