Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
