Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
