Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
3 2 1 whiskey
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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