man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Come on in and take your pants off
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