You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just forgot I was standing up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
