im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
