I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
they need to just BURY HIM!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
