You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
