I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
