did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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