1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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