Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
