Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
