Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
